Mondays

Mondays are always difficult it seems. I am still reverberating from the weekend bash of music, conversations, the things I learn, and the people you hang with. They are still vibrating in my bones. Food and drink that maybe I shouldn't have eating/drank are still sloshing around in my stomach. And I have to shlep myself to class at 9:00 etc. It is a fun time:) Mondays.
I am going to make an agreement with myself to not say anything negative about anyone for a week. Even if the old lady spits on me in the street or the biker cuts me off, I'm really going to just shut up. I think the world would be a happier place if we just refrained from unnecessary gossip about people. I create this illusion in my head that I don't do it, but really I am totally at fault. I love people. Even the ones that make me frustrated, I love them too. I know this sounds really contrite but it is true.
I recommend seeing Harry Potter and 127 hours. Both are divine in their own way. Both have necessary humor that makes you laugh and cry at the same time. Both are unbelievably painful and heartbreaking. Both have characters that overcome the unthinkable feats. I love those types, it makes being a human feel completely worth it.

I don't have much to say today. Cheers. Tibetan word: འཇམ་པ་(jam pa) smooth

on the journey

Today was an extraordinary day. I received an angel reading discussing my past births on this planet. What my soul body is made up of. What my strengths are etc. I think if everyone had the chance to talk with their angels through someone, this place would be so much more peaceful and congenial. We would be striving for what was best for us and in turn help people along the way. It was very profound and I recommend anyone who is going through a tough time, find people who can talk to guardian angels and spirit guides to give you a perspective of what your soul needs to do on this planet.
So I have been driving my car way too much lately. I've had this feeling that I really need to take the health of the world seriously. CO2 emissions are creating this overlay of green house gases, trapping toxins for our lungs....yum. But as Joanna Macy says, this is not necessarily a bad time, but it means that we have to make a drastic change in order to save this planet. A drastic change is needed. I am for it! It is really about changing habitual patterns. Something we talk about in Mind and Its World all the time. Looking at our concepts and working with them. Not rejecting the concepts but working with them in order to achieve yogic direct valid cognition:) I used to think that enlightenment was a cure for my conceptual mind. That Buddhism was the ultimate fix, but really it is just taking a look at yourself and saying, what can I do better. Meditation is a tool to change patterns. instead of mulling in thoughts of Change is really scary. So scary that I run from it sometimes. I love my conceptual comfort zone that I protect and defend. To lose that feels ungrounded and scary. But sometimes that is where the magic happens. In the "unsafe" zone.
I think it can start small. Like changing your diet. Eating better foods. Reading up on nutrition. Knowing what your body needs is important. Noticing your emotional patterns is good. How do you feel when you get up in the morning. Are you already regretting the day? Are you already planning a gazillion things? OR are you saying YES!!! YAY FOR THE DAY! I love the quote in our bathroom by the Dali Lama:
A Precious Human Life
Every day, Think as you wake up
Today I am fortunate to have woken up
I am alive, I have a precious human life,
I am not going to waste it.
I am going to use
All my energies to Develop myself
To expand my heart out to others,
To achieve enlightenment for
The benefit of All beings,
I am going to have kind
Thoughts towards other,
I am not going to get angry,
Or think badly about others
I am going to benefit others
As much as I can

I read this every morning while peeing. It helps start my day with a positive note.
Another Tibetan test awaits me in the morning. Sometimes I wonder where this life is leading me? Where am I going? Why am I learning this language again? Then I think, wait I'm learning Buddhist studies and the main teaching is to stay in the present moment. Did I learn anything?? Hahaha. See what unfolds I guess and trust. I think we don't trust enough in the path. We try to control when really, what is there to control? We have to make steps yes but enjoy the journey. Dance within the journey. I've had many spiritual guides tell me to dance within the journey. Well, I'm dancing. I'm not running to a goal anymore, I'm dancing within the space and soaking in what it has to offer.

HOWL

I feel like so much time has passed since my last post. I just want to put it down in one blurb:
Tibetan tests!
Fur Elise
Chopin
Impromptu
George Sand (wanting to be her)
Meditation, Meditation
Future ideas
money trouble
halloween ideas
soccer
friends
the liver and what it does
HOWL

That is just a quick blurb of my mind lately.
This past week I saw the movie HOWL, which is about the poem by Allen Ginsberg.


I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked,
dragging themselves through the negro streets at dawn looking for an angry fix,
angelheaded hipsters burning for the ancient heavenly connection to the starry dynamo in the machinery of night.....

I suggest reading it. It changes you in a way that I cannot describe on paper. The movie was about the poem and how they were trying to ban it off the shelves and prove that it was not "literature." Really spectacular visceral animation of the poem. Take the time to just let the words soak in. Beautiful.

So this month is coming out month and it has been a tragic month of suicides of young gay men.  http://www.nytimes.com/2010/10/04/us/04suicide.html?_r=1&scp=1&sq=several%20recent%20suicides%20put%20light%20on%20pressures%20facing%20gay%20teenagers&st=cse

At Naropa we had a breakfast for the GLBTQ club and many questions about the current issue of gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgendered kids were jostled in my mind. Something needs to be done. Support groups need to be implemented into the school systems. This is something very real that needs to be addressed. Over the meditation weekend we did a Toglen practice for these boys who are now in the bardo crossing over. Please keep these boys in your mind and all of the teens who face oppression every day. I know in my own experience as a high school substitute there were not only violent oppressions but subtle comments thrown around about people who were "different." I know high school kids are very loose when it comes to throwing around words that can be harmful; therefore the institution itself needs to set the precedent in allowing someone to have the freedom to express themselves/orientation and being mindful of our words. My personal HOWL is to change the way we think about sexual orientation in this world. It is not so black and white. Gender is not so black and white. It is a social construction. I received the pink blanket while my brother received the blue. WHY?? I want the orange blanket. I remember this one story when I had my birthday party at the roller rink at age 10. My brother was 8 and he picked up the skates that all the other girls were getting. They were pink. My mom discretely went over to him and said, "Buddy I think those are the girls skates." He dropped them on the spot with this face of horror and went to find the "boys" skates. Do they have to be the "girls" skates? When did pink become a girl color?

I grew up mostly hanging around boys as most of my classmates know. I didn't play with barbies. Only to amuse my sister SG did I pick up the ken doll and pretend. I grew up playing football and working on the farm. I was frustrated with wearing dresses. I loved working on the farm with the guys.

So this issue about gender and sexual orientation is quite interesting. Rita Gross is doing some great work on this topic in the Buddhist world. Pick up her book. That is all for today.

Hope everyone enjoys the day!! Now off to studying. 

Oh the PIANOOOO

I revisited an old friend today. The piano.  I haven't had a lesson since I was 13. I walked up the stone path feeling really good about my decision to start lessons again. I didn't feel nervous or the least bit worried that I found this woman on craigslist.  I see her apartment filled with flowers on the balcony and buzz her number. She called me Lauren at first which was fine, I corrected her right away. Too many traumatic experiences where people didn't call me the right name, so better correct right in the beginning eh? She opens the door and at first I have a sudden feeling of hmmm because she looks like one of those elder ladies that would be a tarot card reader psychic with her fire engine red hair and an Armenian accent. I walk in to her earthy spiritual home and she immediately says that I look like Mia Farrow. Such a complement:) She directs me next to the piano and as her introduction she plays for me. She played Mozart, Beethoven, Bach,  and Chopin by memory. I knew in that instant that she was my piano guru. The lesson was amazing. It was so Buddhist! She said that the piano is her meditation. She first teaches by ear because she figures that learning by ear is better than trying to first decipher notes on a page. She was so right. We started off with Russian scales from middle C. She had me close my eyes after a couple of times and I was amazed that I did it better than with eyes open. Wow. She told me about a famous Japanese Pianist who was born blind. It is amazing what the mind can do. I played simple songs by ear-ABC, Marry had a Little Lamb, and Brother John. I have a few exercises written by Czerny. Beethoven's prime student. I need to memorize by next week. Anyone have a keyboard they want to sell?
It is great getting back into music. I felt like the little girl of 8 years old revisiting my scales. I love music. I want to really express myself through this beautiful instrument.

Tibetan test was par. I didn't know the word for desire so that is the word of the week འདོད་པ་doo ba (umlaut the oo and go from low to high toned)

Enjoy the rest of the week!

It is the little things

As I got off the phone with my sister Margot, she told me that it really is the little things that make a difference. I have to agree. Lately, I've noticed many little things that are touching. When I first got here to Boulder, I didn't know how to use the bus system. I went down to the stop and thought I could figure it out by looking at the map, but there were numbers and colors and places I didn't know....it was a nightmare to look at for the first time. But a man named Norman in a wheel chair started talking to me. He must have known that I looked a little lost. I told him that I was new to the area and that I needed to get to the main Naropa campus. He was so helpful and told me which two buses I needed. What a relief. So today, I was running out the door early to mail a couple of letters. The mail room doesn't open until 8. So at 7:45 I bought a house chai from the coffee shop next door and waited until it opened. Meanwhile, I knew the bus came at 8:10. I thought, Ok a little bit of a window but I will have to push. So I got in line first but I had to buy a small package, so they sent me back to the cashier of the Pharmaca (where the mail room is located) and then back to the mail desk. I must have looked impatient because the lady didn't seem that fond of me. I sent off my letters, grabbed my chai and ran out the door. As I was exiting, I saw the bus. My heart sank....It was about a block away on the other side of the street and I decided that I probably wouldn't make it. But I ran anyway. Breakfast peach jostling and chai a sloshing, I made a break for it. I came to the light and of course I can't get across. For some reason the bus was waiting at the stop a lot longer than usual. I said a prayer and as the bus was taking off, the light changed. This is when cross country came in handy. I sprinted yelling "WAIT WAIT!!" The poor man saw me and stopped the bus. Most of my chai seemed to puddle on the lid and my peach was definitely a nice mushy bruise. But I made it. I got on the bus and who did I see but Norman. It was Norman who helped with the delay because he is in a wheel chair and it takes sometime for the wheelchair accessible ramp to eject from the bus. Because Norman was there this morning, I was able to catch my bus. You know. Sometimes I think people like Norman are really angels in complete disguise. Riding around in wheelchairs, doing what they can to help poor innocent girls who are trying to make it in this world.

So it is the little things that make a difference.  Like the light tap on the arm in the movie theater to let you know that "I will be back." A walk with a friend around a neighborhood at night talking about giggly nonsense.  The study buddy that invites you over for dinner. The stranger on the street that directs you to the right location. Planning a birthday.
You know. It's funny. Because Buddhism stresses so much on suffering (dukha in sanskrit), I thought that we were doomed for suffering. That there was no hope for anyone. We were just trapped and that was it. Something has happened to me in the last week or so that has really impacted me. I have started to see everything as being quite fun. Now, I have a test tomorrow in Tibetan, it might change a bit for that hour. But really, life is one big heep of fun. I have started looking at life with more positivity. Yes it is suffering, and yes this world is not fair with sickness and death. But it is amazing what can happen when you start to let go. The more you hold onto things the heavier it gets, and the more burdensome. Lately, there is a lightness that wasn't there before. I think it allows one to feel more connected with reality. Oddly that is how it happens. FLip the coin to the positive and see where it goes.

So as I said, I have a Tibetan test tomorrow. SO the word of the day is་བླ་མ་(la ma which means guru)

Tuesday phew over

 Today was a bit overwhelming with a brief overview of Buddhism beginning right after the historical Buddha stood up from the Bodhi tree and started teaching. Today we covered the "three baskets" Trpitaka: Sutra Pitaka, Vinaya-Pitaka, and Abhidharma-Pitaka. Sutra are mainly discourses of the Buddha, sermons, public talks etc.. Vinaya covers the monastic community. Abhidarma is more philosophical and metaphysic. For anyone of interest, there are three canons of Buddhism: Pali Canon, Chinese (influenced East Asian Buddhism), and Tibetan. Of course Bon is not part of these Canons but that is my mission:) We shall see.
So I've had sometime to contemplate life a bit today in the midst of soaking in Tibetan for my test on Tuesday. So I'm beginning to understand the significance of meditation.... I think. But what really is enlightenment? When we attain it then some say that we are just out of cyclic existence. Others say that then our mission is to help sentient beings after attaining enlightenment. Does that mean we stop evolving? I understand that we completely dissolve karma and go beyond the conceptual mind. So no more "action" is taken....but if we come to help other sentient beings, isn't that an action? Or is the action when we label it good or bad. Or give it an adjective. So karma is only when we conceptualize it. hmmmm. So action is only bad when we think it is. But also we must take in account of motivation. If our motivation is pure then our action is pure....or "good" but that is still a concept. hmmmm.

Do we reach that non-dual union of emptiness and form? So from that do we keep evolving after enlightenment to catch up with the every changing evolutionary world that we live in or can we see everything in one spot, one instant and enlightenment goes beyond time and evolution? Are we only here to transcend or transform? Do we transcend by transforming? Surrendering the ego to the benefit of evolution. A continuous transforming flux. We are not solid, we are in a stream of continuous transformation. I think enlightenment has to do with that. Surrender. Jump out of the ego box for the benefit of humanity. The warrior. I think once we forget about the questions of enlightenment and just surrender for humanity....that is when we will attain it. So meditation allows us to transform. By catching our thoughts we catch our patterns. The transformation begins. New neural pathways are opened up. We move out of our stuck patterns that bind us in our ego box. Meditation, from what I understand, allows us to look at ourselves and move stuckness. First we have to realize we are in an ego box....then we say whoa!!! It's time to transform and bust out. See people for their authentic selves and not through our own conceptual mind. The concepts get shifted through meditation, and perhaps dissolve? I think then we reach our purpose on this earth. It just spontaneously arises the inherent wisdom, loving kindness, clarity, openness, and generosity. When we are unstuck from our conceptual mind, these inherent characteristics shine forth.

Have I lost sense? I'm tired. I hope this wasn't dizzying. This was my thought process today. With the occasional, what will I have for lunch? I can't believe I did that three years ago. If she really knew who I was, I don't think she would think the same way. Ka, Na, Pha Ma (Tibetan). OH the mind!!!!

I'm going to do extra meditation tomorrow.

Tibetan word of the day: སྙིང་རྗེ་(ning je. compassion)

Monday tea

Monday started off with a bang in Mind and Its World. Yes it is called MIND and ITS WORLD. Scary business. Not The Mind of the World but Mind and Its World. Basically Buddhist Philosophy. So on the test I couldn't for the life of me think of the proper wording for the 4 seals of Dharma. Well now I know so let me enlighten you:

All conditioned phenomena are impermanent.
All contaminated phenomena are suffering.
All phenomena are empty and selfless(ness).
Nirvana is Peace.

There you have it. Buddhism in a nutshell and I couldn't think of it this morning. I don't think I will ever forget this now. My professor is hilarious. He is Nepalese. Completely compassionate and very clear. He demands attention with his wit and superb mind. Someone in the class today had no idea what the answer was to one question, and he said, "Is it in the book? Look it up." So funny. Basically we are learning definitions with classificaitons upon definitions upon those classifications. I feel like we are taking apart Russian dolls only to find another Russian doll, and then another Russian doll. Until you end up with just the 8 particles. I feel like i'm in advanced kindergarden relearning the definition of an object and thing.
"The definition of an object is that which can be known."
The equivalents of object is knowable object, existant, established base, object of comprehension and phenomenon.
The classification of object are thing and nonthing.
"The definition of a thing is that which is able to perform a function."

Are you bored yet? I actually find this stuff incredible. We break down everything! The string theory and Buddhist theory go side by side. Breaking something down to the bare particles. Eight of them actually.
Crazy. So after a mind blowing class of objects, things, matter, consciousness, non associated formation, phenomenon, etc. I sat outside and enjoyed the Colorado sun. Did I mention that it is beautiful here every day! So amazing. I then went with a friend to the Tea house from Tajikistan. They actually brought the materials from this country to be built in Boulder. It was a gift. Awesome tea and convo.
Now I am soaking in as much Tibetan as possible. It is starting to get hard. Vocab Vocab Vocab. My mouth is not used to making certain sounds. So many homonymes!

About to go hit the hay. Feeling good about life.

Tibetan word for the day:་ཇ་(tea)