Henrietta

Chronic pain is not something I like to advertise or talk about because it makes me feel weak or not good enough or broken and I don't want to worry people BUT it is time to speak out a bit. I just wanted to say, hey peeps, I've been dealing with chronic pain for 6 years.

I call her Henrietta.

I wanted to let you know that if I am looking at you and maybe having this glazed over look, Henrietta is not allowing me to process words. Henrietta also gets in the way of my decision making brain, rational brain. Henrietta also keeps me at home so meeting up is a bit impossible. Henrietta makes me wear loose clothes that make me seem more of a hippie than I really am. She doesn't make me feel sexy. Henrietta doesn't let me play sports anymore. She also makes relationships suffer. Henrietta does not let me sleep. Henrietta isn't killing me but she does affect me on a day to day basis. I have learned so much from Henrietta. She has taken me down roads that I didn't know existed. One day I will say goodbye to Henrietta with the help of my healing energy family. That day apparently is not today. There is a timing to all things.

Thank you for reading💜 

Body Pains

I lie down on my back with my knees bent. My head has a slight ache as I look at the stick-on stars in my sister's old room. It's 2:05am.
Insomnia has been a part of my life for about 5 years. But it has an explanation.

Well here goes...I have hypertonic pelvic floor disorder.

I know what you must be thinking...what? Doesn't sound so bad.

No it isn't bad in the sense that I don't have a terminal illness. I don't need surgery (hopefully). All my vitals seem to be good.

But what I do have is pain. Itching, stinging, throbbing, prickly pain. Where you ask? Well....in my vulva (I know it is a funny word) and lower pelvic floor region. Sometimes back, hips and legs. Not fun.

So it has changed my life. I left Boulder, I left Philadephia, and here I am back at home trying to win this. It has taken me years to actually get a diagnosis. I didn't know what to make of it. I wanted to let people know in a blog post because well, people just don't know and it can be very lonely. I get comments like, "Wow you look tired, are you alright?" "Are you sick?"

No, just can't sleep and I have pain in places I probably shouldn't talk about in school.

I have always seen myself as a very active person, but lately I've been trying to visualize these tight muscles into liquid jello.

I'm also a walking pharmaceutical for pain and sleep. Blah. Talking to the girl who used to make Burdock tea from the Burdock in the yard and hunt for her own mushrooms.

I have many blessings and now more support than ever. Which is awesome. I don't feel as lonely and people are starting to understand.

Time slows

A certain special someone aka my amazing incredible partner boyfriend told me about my blog that I started while I was in Boulder. He was reading it today. I thought, wait..I have a blog! I thought this would be a good time to start posting again. I have no idea who my "followers" are but it is a great way to reflect, slow-down, and recount what is happening in life.
Currently, I live at home. I used to uncomfortable with this arrangement. I wondered what people would say. Would they judge and conclude that I never left adolescence? I also would question myself. Should I be spreading my wings and going off in the wild blue yonder....again? The cities do not suit me, I love nature, and my parents are pretty great. Why leave? My Tibetan teacher thought it really astonishing that we leave our parents' house. He told me that my parents are a gift, why leave them? He does have a point. But there is something to say about having your own autonomy and space. Also, I live on a farm. Not a full running farm at the moment, but it is a special time because we are really making the garden robust. I want to see this farm grow. I want to plant organic juicy tomatoes and sell them at local farmer's markets. I want to have a horse again. Goats? Could happen. I am also a massage therapist and yoga teacher and we have built great rooms in the barn for these purposes. If I ever did want to move, I have a couple of moving options for the future. 1. Build a yurt on my parent's property. 2. Built a yurt on my boyfriend's dad's property. 3. Find/build a nice cabin close to home. This could obviously change, and I could be living in Washington State next year, but I am enjoying my time now and couldn't think of a better arrangement.
I do love my town. It is amazing how many people have gone away and come back. My friend Lydia said she would like to do a study of how many people leave Shenandoah County and then come back, it is an amazingly high number. My town is growing in the arts. My talent lies within the theatre world. I love performing, choreographing, and directing. I am currently directing The Nerd by Larry Shue at Theatre Shenandoah. Auditions are this weekend (come join the fun!). The Shultz Theatre is always putting on all kinds of shows that are superb. The art galley in Woodstock is teeming with great works. My friend Katherine is on the committee of setting up a local brewery. This is becoming a great town, or really, it is a great town. I am also in the energetic healing arts, and surprising, there is a wonderful community for it. So, why leave?
 I'll be starting up yoga classes in the barn and I'm always available for Massage. I'm making new cards and they will be dispersed all over so get ready to feel rejuvenated and relaxed.    

Cloudy Sunday

I haven't visited my blog in awhile. I wasn't aware that people were reading it until I received comments that they were acknowledging my script. Well, to catch up from my last post would be a book. The abridged version will have to do. I recently removed myself from Facebook for the time being. It is amazing the withdrawal symptoms that I have been experiencing. Nausea, confusion, disconnection, loneliness....but from what? Peoples faces, pictures, posts, pokes, comments, etc. They aren't even there!! It is a representation of them that is not real. It is not REAL! Yes, it is them to a certain extent, but I find it is only a cursory glance of who they really are. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm living in extremes and other people use FB in a healthy manner. It is a network to keep in touch with people and when I go back to school, I'm sure my face will magically reappear again. It is nice that they have that option to 'deactivate' instead of wipe yourself out completely. Time to see what is around me instead of daydreaming about lives on a screen.

So yes I am taking a respite from school. Nurture is the theme. Nurturing others and myself. Which sometimes happens simultaneously. Massage and horses are my occupations. All hands on, which is a drastic change from what I was experiencing. Desk work. Forgetting about the body completely, now it is nothing but my body, others bodies, and animals bodies. It is my job to keep others healthy. Plus, looking after myself which usually takes a back burner. We had some people stay at our house who were part-taking in an energy healing year long course. There was talk of our farm transforming into a healing center and I think there is a powerful force making it happen. IT is exciting! The energetic force makes it hard for me to move, but my ties to home will be stronger in the future when I do finally leave for school. School? Not sure yet. Still marinating what is in store for me.

As I look out into the field, I see green green green. This calms me. I'm a nature being. We all are. But some of us who work in industries, companies etc, forget the connection. For instance, I had to kill a baby copperhead with a friend yesterday that was wedged in a horse stall door. I hate killing things but I eat dead meat all the time. So, it just got me closer with the natural cycle of the universe.  I also justified the motivation. I knew if I didn't kill it, the horses could be in danger. She threw down a large boulder on its head while I broke the spine with a shovel. This baby snake was tough! It put up a good fight. We put it in the woods. Probably a good snack for a Black Snake. Baby copperheads are more dangerous because they can't control their venom. So be careful and aim hard and fast!

A massage FOR ME awaits me downstairs. Beautiful.

Books I'm reading: The HUNGER GAMES trilogy. Finished the first book. Excellent. Great commentary on war, Hollywood, materiality, fame, "love", and youth.

Start of the New

It is the start of the new. New for many things. It is the start of the new year, the start of being 25, and the start of the new school year. A fresh start is always nice. But I used to think a fresh start meant leaving the old behind and continuing with the new. Over the break I thwarted this notion. I decided to bring the past into the new present and celebrate. For my birthday, the guests consisted of women from important phases of my life. Juju from Camp Strawderman, Julia from elementary/middle school, Rachel from high school, Lindsay from College, Faye from Massage school, and Katie joined as a semi-new gem. It was so nice to see these beautiful faces as we enter into true womanhood. I hope they weren't too scared with my Dad's stories of Bronx witches or the fact that we have various thankas on the walls. Our family is a bit spiritually eclectic. I guess we just accept it all. Something I truly cherish. No wonder my masters program is Contemplative Religions at a Buddhist inspired school. These women share a past with me that I want to start cherishing. Each day is precious and can leave an impact in your life. Some days are more profound than others, but each day counts as something unique and precious. Dwelling on past mistakes doesn't do any good. I can see how the mind can get stuck there and can fuel future actions. The cycle of samsara if you will.
On my birthday, I got to take a dance class with mom. Not tap, like we did in high school, but ZUMBA!! Emily was also a friend from the past and we had a blast in her class. So worth it. Go to her class in Woodstock if you get the chance or find a Zumba class near you. Amazing workout and your will have fun dancing. She kicked my booty.
The start of the new semester is almost here. I recently changed my religious studies track to Contemplative Religions so I can have a broader base to teach. Very exciting. I can't wait to start teaching in a high school setting or community college.
Changes are happening all the time. This year seems very auspicious and fun:) I'm thoroughly intrigued to what the future holds. Happy newness to all.

Book(s) I am reading: Angels in my Hair

Mondays

Mondays are always difficult it seems. I am still reverberating from the weekend bash of music, conversations, the things I learn, and the people you hang with. They are still vibrating in my bones. Food and drink that maybe I shouldn't have eating/drank are still sloshing around in my stomach. And I have to shlep myself to class at 9:00 etc. It is a fun time:) Mondays.
I am going to make an agreement with myself to not say anything negative about anyone for a week. Even if the old lady spits on me in the street or the biker cuts me off, I'm really going to just shut up. I think the world would be a happier place if we just refrained from unnecessary gossip about people. I create this illusion in my head that I don't do it, but really I am totally at fault. I love people. Even the ones that make me frustrated, I love them too. I know this sounds really contrite but it is true.
I recommend seeing Harry Potter and 127 hours. Both are divine in their own way. Both have necessary humor that makes you laugh and cry at the same time. Both are unbelievably painful and heartbreaking. Both have characters that overcome the unthinkable feats. I love those types, it makes being a human feel completely worth it.

I don't have much to say today. Cheers. Tibetan word: འཇམ་པ་(jam pa) smooth

on the journey

Today was an extraordinary day. I received an angel reading discussing my past births on this planet. What my soul body is made up of. What my strengths are etc. I think if everyone had the chance to talk with their angels through someone, this place would be so much more peaceful and congenial. We would be striving for what was best for us and in turn help people along the way. It was very profound and I recommend anyone who is going through a tough time, find people who can talk to guardian angels and spirit guides to give you a perspective of what your soul needs to do on this planet.
So I have been driving my car way too much lately. I've had this feeling that I really need to take the health of the world seriously. CO2 emissions are creating this overlay of green house gases, trapping toxins for our lungs....yum. But as Joanna Macy says, this is not necessarily a bad time, but it means that we have to make a drastic change in order to save this planet. A drastic change is needed. I am for it! It is really about changing habitual patterns. Something we talk about in Mind and Its World all the time. Looking at our concepts and working with them. Not rejecting the concepts but working with them in order to achieve yogic direct valid cognition:) I used to think that enlightenment was a cure for my conceptual mind. That Buddhism was the ultimate fix, but really it is just taking a look at yourself and saying, what can I do better. Meditation is a tool to change patterns. instead of mulling in thoughts of Change is really scary. So scary that I run from it sometimes. I love my conceptual comfort zone that I protect and defend. To lose that feels ungrounded and scary. But sometimes that is where the magic happens. In the "unsafe" zone.
I think it can start small. Like changing your diet. Eating better foods. Reading up on nutrition. Knowing what your body needs is important. Noticing your emotional patterns is good. How do you feel when you get up in the morning. Are you already regretting the day? Are you already planning a gazillion things? OR are you saying YES!!! YAY FOR THE DAY! I love the quote in our bathroom by the Dali Lama:
A Precious Human Life
Every day, Think as you wake up
Today I am fortunate to have woken up
I am alive, I have a precious human life,
I am not going to waste it.
I am going to use
All my energies to Develop myself
To expand my heart out to others,
To achieve enlightenment for
The benefit of All beings,
I am going to have kind
Thoughts towards other,
I am not going to get angry,
Or think badly about others
I am going to benefit others
As much as I can

I read this every morning while peeing. It helps start my day with a positive note.
Another Tibetan test awaits me in the morning. Sometimes I wonder where this life is leading me? Where am I going? Why am I learning this language again? Then I think, wait I'm learning Buddhist studies and the main teaching is to stay in the present moment. Did I learn anything?? Hahaha. See what unfolds I guess and trust. I think we don't trust enough in the path. We try to control when really, what is there to control? We have to make steps yes but enjoy the journey. Dance within the journey. I've had many spiritual guides tell me to dance within the journey. Well, I'm dancing. I'm not running to a goal anymore, I'm dancing within the space and soaking in what it has to offer.